It occurred to me the other day that I have stopped imagining the way I used to. I no longer imagine what it would be like to ride a rainbow. Yes, I was/am a strange child. I never wondered about the pot of gold at the end, but instead wondered what it would be like to ride it as it formed and disapated, catching a cloud or diving to the sea as it lost its force. Where has my imagination gone? Why have I stopped seeing worlds of possiblity within a flower petal world or magic dandelion pollen potion? Where is that little girl?
Perhaps coming up on 49 and losing a parent has caused me to examine not only the crossroads I am facing, but the dreams and desires I once held dear. Certainly new ones take shape. Certainly simple things often make me smile the most. But where is my adventure and have I given up on some of those childish dreams? Have I let the politics and temporal demands of work and everyday life stiffle the creative and bury those thoughts? No-- I'm not going to dye my hair, buy a Harley, or quit my job.... but Yikes! I thought of all three! I've come back to my senses and I'm settling for highlights, not ruling out the Harley (3 wheel type though), and need to do one more year on the job at least to get us into our final house.
This week has been emotional yet renewing. Planning a memorial service, reconnecting with family members, and reflecting on where I come from has been good for my soul. I've gotten such a kick out of spending time with my two aunties who are in their 80's and still kickin' strong. They have been such a hoot. Today, as I was typing up their brother's obituary I asked them if he did anything in high school that stood out. One is a bit deaf and the older sister does the talking on the phone when I call. One tells me that he did woodshop and asks the other one if he did anything important in there. The one in the background says the only thing she can recall him doing was cutting his ruler in half then they both bust out laughing like that was the funniest thing in the world... and so it was the way they said it. So we all laughed. I said I didn't think I'd use that in the obituary so they thought maybe I could mention it at the services then. :D They have made me smile a lot this week.
A good friend of mine called out of the blue yesterday. She doesn't know about the death in our family and I didn't mention it. She just called to talk because she missed me. Her words of comfort and love to me and her expressions of how she valued our friendship came at a time when I needed to hear positives in my life. She has no idea how much her phone call lifted my spirits. I've also talked to my brother quite a bit this week and that has been a treat. He is somewhere between Pakistan and Texas as I type this. He is flying home for the funeral. My two step-brothers are flying in Thursday. A certain healing has already started with the three families involved. Sadly, it is death that brings us together, but gladly we are coming together.
Yesterday I also met with Aunt Bertie and her pastor to finalize the details of the service. What a nice man. I was a bit concerned about a church that's in a rented space in a business mall, but as soon as I got inside and met the pastor, I felt very at ease. There are certainly good people in lots of churches and lots of places. I'm not used to the big screen and the drum sets on the podium, but this is Aunt Bertie's church and if it makes her happy as she puts her brother to rest, then it makes me happy. We hammered out the details and laughed and cried a little and I feel relieved that it's all falling into place.
Greg and Rellie got a little garden planted this weekend too. Tomorrow night Greg is going to plant some corn in Aunt Bertie's garden plot and throw in a pumpkin patch for the grandkids and some tomatoes for the aunties. This week is finals week at school and then we only have one week left. Hard to believe. Summer always comes at a time when we all need it to. It will be a time of healing, renewal, and making crossroad decisions. I also hope to paint, and imagine, and write, and listen to the ocean. Aunt Bertie said, "You always feel young" and I think there's a lot to learn in that. She'll probably live to 100. Grandma died at 94 and her last bit of advice to me was to "never stop... that's when it gets you". :D
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