If I ever think things are tough, I am reminded by the trials of others that I really have it pretty good. So many mixed emotions today. My brother hit land in the U.S. Yeah! I am relieved and happy. That happiness is overshadowed by my husband's shocking news his morning-- his sister had an aneurysm and has been declared legally dead. They take off life support in the morning. Kayla, her daughter wanted to spend one last night with her. Just like that-- she is gone. It has caused me to reflect a lot. I have a funny way of dealing with certain things. It's harder when the husband/best friend is gone. He has to be though. It's his sister.
He left this morning and his brother went with him. I could tell he was just going through the motions (denial). I'm glad he's there surrounded by family and helping his parents and brothers and sisters. He really is a rock. I know he has been mine for many years.
So tonight, for therapy, I did what I normally do. Avoid sitting. I cleaned. I cooked. I did laundry. I made 14 jars of jam. I played with kids. I found pictures of his sister and posted them for family. It's hard to know what to do. It's just so unexpected. As I was making jam I put on Gma Shorty's apron and Rellie came in and wanted to help, so we put Gma Tucker's apron on him. He was quite the sugar scooper, but I'm afraid we might be invaded by sugar ants in the morning because I'm not sure I got it all off the floor. :D He is at the "why" stage so I had to explain every single step about the jam making process and the utensils I use. It helped keep my mind occupied.
I also thought about how life goes on. Someone close to us and still quite young has just died and yet there I was making jam. At first, I thought, "that's sad." But then I thought, "No... that's right.... life goes on." It doesn't stop. It can't stop. That's not what life is about. It's about generations of memories. We're making memories every day. Like making jam with Rellie. Yes, we'll stop and pause. Yes we'll cry and grieve. And yes, we will go on. Life goes on and that is a beautiful thing. I would not want it to stop for me.
I'm not saying we shouldn't be sad or stop and mourn. Of course we will be sad. Of course we'll mourn. But in my process of making jam to sort through my thoughts of a young girl who happened in to my life 30 years ago because I loved her brother, I realized that we waste too many precious moments taking too many people for granted. We get caught up in dramas and materialism and ourselves and then we get reality checks. I love the simple things in my life. I don't need to make mountains out of mole hills. I don't need to always sweat the small stuff. I know I still will at times, but honestly.... I enjoyed making jam with Rellie tonight. Simple. Unplanned. Priceless. Gidget would like that we made jam in the grandma aprons. She lived hard and loved hard. She squeezed the moments and she's where she has always been-- in my heart.
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